Actions speaks louder than words. That´s why I always
had trouble blindly accepting authority. It started when I was just a child
back in High School. It simply seemed to me that respect ought to be earned.
Show me a smart and able superior, preferably one with a great sense of humor, and
I´ll follow him anywhere. But almost always, I am not exaggerating, someone
who relished power for its own sake is merely hiding his own insecurities
behind the cloak of authority. Reflexively I´ll question every word out of his
mouth.
I got the same problem with it comes to women. I guess
that imperative tense has been an issue for me through my entire life: teachers,
educators, girlfriends, lovers or acquaintances, it does not matter, the problem
is always there. Do not tell me what I can´t do, just teach me how you do it and
maybe I will follow your example. But do not dare to tell me what I can´t say. After
all, rebellious is my second name.
It´s quite funny
but looking back in time I reach the conclusion that I never knew what was
expected of me as a student or as a son, but I knew exactly what the girls wanted
from me. Most importantly I learn it at a very early age. I was the guy on
the scene. I was the young fella who could give them what they wanted. I
used to give the young ladies what they desired. But popularity is the thing, I
can guarantee, to be avoided if you want to have peace of mind because admiration
brings jealousy among your peers. Therapist often regard the demon as a scar of
childhood trauma or a symptom of a psychological problem to explain the envy. Why
did they feel jealousy towards me? Maybe my star shined too much or they just
felt that I was what they will never be. Or maybe I imagined all this.
Anyway, jealousy is indeed a poor medium to secure
love, but it´s a secure medium to destroy one´s self-respect. One thing is
clear to me: anger, resentment and jealousy does not change the heart of
other, it only changes yours. Beside that my heart is not the right place for
bossy people- authoritarian demons according to my deceased Godfather- or domineering
women. Just saying…
Sergio Calle Llorens
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